#2: De

#2 - The Bride of the Living Dummy

[img]http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/9286/brideofthelivingdummymf0.jpg[/img]




[b]Tagline:[/b]

It's a match made in horror.



[b]Plot sypnosis[/b]

So after a long hiatus of vomiting at the steadily decreasing quality of these books, I'm back and ready for moar vomiting. Why, you ask? Read on, non-existant readers.


As our story of sibling rivalry opens, we are introduced to Jillian, whom we shall call Jill, who is at the moment concerned for the health of her pet lizard, Petey. Now, before I continue, I would like to know.. why would anyone name a lizard Petey? It makes as much sense as naming a pet dog Kitty. Anyways, continuing the good ole' asshole-siblings-and-best-friend-who-doesn't-really-care goosebumps tradition, Jill has asshole siblings and a best friend who doesn't really care. Oh wait, did I already say that? I guess I'm picking up on R.L. Stein's habits. Jill wants to grow up to be a clown, a job she is off to a very good start on due to the fact that instead of practicing comedy routines and other clownish activities, she busies herself by taking her two sisters, who are as previously mentioned a pair of assholes, to a puppet show. How does a puppet show have anything to do with clowns? Unfortunately for her, clowns have never been funny. Her friend, Harold or Howard or something(I don't remember) is supportive and encouraging-oh wait, he shows repeatedly that he doesn't give a fuck. If he was supportive and encouraging that would be original, for a goosebumps book that is. Her doll, Mary Ellen, comes to the show because you need to bring a doll which you can conveniently pair with slappy when you find him in a dumpster later on in the story. But wait! Slappy is found not in a dumpster or trash can, but in the hands of a teenage boy. At least that's slightly original. Jimmy, as we shall call him, wishes to preform a brilliant sexual act upon the doll, but slappy vocally objects to having his butt burgled and fights back by making Jimmy cry using the brilliant power of insulting his face. Katie and Amanda, wishing to join in on the fun, come on stage where Slappy unloads a metaphorical dump on them, calling them various names and expressing sexual interest in Katie ("You're a doll! *pause for laughter* but seriously, folks, you're a great audience. *rimshot*"). Katie and Amanda, angry at being rejected, decide to go back stage and confront the doll. That's right, they go to argue with a doll.




[img]http://www.nma.gov.au/shared/libraries/images/exhibitions/captivating_and_curious/large/kewpie_doll/files/11918/Kewpie%20doll%20-%20nma.img-ci20051391-038.jpg[/img]
You evil motherfucker..



Jill attempts to prevent them from talking to an inanimate object, but as we all know from watching Shirley Temple reruns, little girls are always the first to enter. Harold or Howard decides that his life's ambition is to be a rock and puts down roots in the doorway, conveniently causing Jill to get stuck in a doorway.

What follows is a 1 hour long vaudeville of incidents in which Slappy appears to be alive and finally is revealed to not be alive, but the main character awakens him by reading some words out loud. Everyone has their asses burgled and they all live inside slappy's cock ever after.

#1 Cry of the cat

#1 Cry of the cat(Please note: I do not own goosebumps. It is fully owned by R.L. Stein.)





Brief Plot:
'

Welcome to the Goosebumps 2000 Blog.



First off, lets talk about the series. The series. Ohhhh boy. These books are not half as good as the old series, but while I'm talking about that, I am no longer going to be covering the twist ending. Why? because in these books, the twist ending practically doesn't exist. You will see what I mean in later posts. For now, lets start with the book.


This book starts off with something that is remarkably similar to the later events of the book: A huge-ass cat that turns into a monster and tries to devour a kid. KID EATING. Well, maybe this isnt so different.. After this is revealed to be a movie, the frightened manchild who is watching it-oh wait, its the main characters little brother, who, despite being sitting right fucking infront of the VCR lacks the ability to turn it off, desperately cries for his sister to turn off the T.V, and for some reason, she complies. After she taunts her little brother about being frightened, her friend Ryan shows up(who is later revealed to be a complete and total fucking asshole)and the two ride to school together.


Unfortunately, Alison(the girl) runs over a cat. Wait, excuse me-did i say runs over? i mean she fucking decapitates a cat, somehow. Don't ask me, I don't know. The cats head goes flying out into traffic, trailing blood onto passing cars. Oh wait, my bad-she just IMAGINED she cut off its fucking head, exposing its little esophagus and arteries. Her asshole friend Ryan makes fun of her for being disturbed, and then, like all true assholes, ditches her in fear that he'll be late for his play. Whatever. Alison, meanwhile, temporarily switches identities with Sherlock Holmes in order to deduce where the cat came from.



After an extended sequence involving spoons and the cats fur, she decides that the cat-infested house across the street, which has its door open for some reason, must have been where the cat came from.


She comes up to the door of the house and she is greeted by the girl from the ring. Oh wait, its not the girl from the ring, its Crystal, the cat-crazy 12-year-old who lives there with "Mom." Oddly enough, she is upset that her cat is dead, and tells her that she should have run over another cat.




Yea.

After an extended sequence involving Crystal getting very pissed about her cat being dead, the cat jerks and revives. Then it gets out of her arms and runs off. Oddly enough, Crystal now gets fucking pissed that the cat is ALIVE. Alison finally decides she doesn't have time for this and leaves. Crystal shouts an ominous warning, saying that "You'll be sorry you messed with Rip. He isn't an ordinary cat." Oh, really? i figured that cats that come back to life after being run over by bikes were normal. Silly me.


Moving on, Alison arrives at school, where Ryan is apparently playing the part of the king. I guess that explains why hes such an asshole. She goes to the closet to get out the Scepter, and is attacked by:


INTERMISSION!!!
POP QUIZ!!!

Is Alison attacked by:

A.) Rip
B.) Johnny Cash
C.)Scatman


Does the principal react to this by saying:

A.) WHAT THE FUCK, THERES A FUCKING *** IN THE FUCKING CABINET, CALL THE FUCKING POLICE
B.) You were all so upset about that ***, what a strange thing!
C.) FUUUUUUUUU-


!!!!

Intermission OVER!!


If you guessed A and B...


A winrar is you!


Moving on, Alison is now home, and having dinner with her parents. Apparently, Alisons mom thinks she can cook, and is too busy exalting her Tomato soup to pay attention to what Alison is saying. Tanner(her little brother)then starts complaining. Alison gives up and eats cat fur.

Oh wait....



CAT FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR
CAT FUR FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR CAT FUR CAR

This is apparently enough to penetrate her parents physche, and they wonder how the fuck cat fur got in their soup. Like typical dumbasses, they decide on a particularily retarded answer: Alison put it in there. Because girls love cat fur. Fucking love it. Yes. Yes they do. You are wrong. Now shut up.

Alison goes to her room to find her room totally torn apart. Her toy mice collection-Toy mice collection?-is ripped and shredded all over the room. Like we care.

Next day, she finds the cats head in her lunch bag. Or not, as it was another illusion. When she goes to bed, she is jumped on by rip, who tries to smother her. She then pulls Rip off her head and throws the fucker out of the window. Then, like all smart dumbasses, she looks out the window at the body, and then, instead of watching from there, decides to go down and look at it instead. Also, her parents either go into a coma when they sleep, or they're deaf, because they dont react. At all. She is then scratched on the leg by the cat, but no blood comes out. Odd.

Next morning, she eats a bunch of tuna fish.


TUNA FISH.

YES.

At practice, she decides she can jump from a balcony and also hacks up a furball. She then begins to lick the backs of her hands. Shes becoming a cat, awesome! Goodbye, Alison, Hello, Catwoman.

Anyways, she now goes to see The Ring Girl about Rip. She informs Ring-Girl that she's killed Rip two times. Crystal will inform her that Rip only has 9 lives, and has used up lives 6-8 already, meaning he has only one left. Alison is then compelled towards a pet cemetary by an unseen force. Walking among the gravestones(with the amazing Ass-boy, Ryan)she finds Rips grave. Nice, I see what you did there, R.L Stein. Alison, however, decides to dig up the coffin because, obviously, what better place to look in when your trying to avoid something? Unsuprisingly, Rip is inside the coffin and springs out, yelling at Alison to register on ONTD. However, Rip is taking no chances this time, and commands the ghost kitties to form a catnado. What a cat-astrophie! Its a cat attack! everyone RUN!

In the most awesome moment of irony i have ever seen, Alison ditches Ryan and dives into the Ring-girls house. Crystal finally tells her what the hell Rip is, which is apparently a super-natural ghost zombie demon necromancer undead monstrous evil mega-evil kitty. She also tells him that Rip uses human life for his own life, while replacing the human life he steals with cat life. Her mom sacrificied herself so that rip would not use Crystal as a source of life. However, she has no more life to give. Thus, she is going to give Alison to Rip, so that her daughter is spared. The Cat-astrophie breaks into the house and enters the basement, whereupon Rip does the duck-walk towards Alison. Alison throws a toy mouse at Rips feet, and he is crushed to death by the Ghost-kitties. Everyone lives happily ever after.


The twist:
They are still cat-like, because Ryan got scratched too. Why the fuck is she still friends with that asshole? Also, I lied when I said I wouldn't cover the twist. :)


Psychopath Alert:
Alison frequently imagines extremely violent things happening.